It’s amazing how much communication helps in a situation. I’m so glad that I talked to him, even if it took me to the next morning, and it did take a lot for me to admit that I was jealous. And insecure. I have a reputation to uphold. I don’t like people knowing that I’m not always in control, all the time. Probably the biggest thing about relationships that scare me – loss of control.
I didn’t mention this before (mainly because I forgot) but we discussed *kind of* what we were. He brought it up, before meeting my family. “What are you introducing me as?” We did come to the conclusion that we were exclusive, and that we were dating. I won’t lie, I’d been putting off that conversation because I freak myself out with labelling myself. Don’t get me wrong, I label myself all the time.
Asian. Dutch. Mixed. Freak. Nerd. Loser. Eccentric. Weirdo. Hot. Independent. Strong. Baker.
It’s just that the domestic terms freak me out. Girlfriend. It scares me. Which is so dumb because I know deep down I want it. I want to be domestic. I want the relationship. I want to fall in love, and be loved. I don’t want to feel the fear and insecurity. I don’t want to sabotage myself, especially not with this boy. Thankfully, I don’t over analyze with him. I did mention it to him, not really in detail because it’s surprisingly hard to talk about this stuff to anyone. We didn’t really decide on anything to introduce him as, I think it was generally assumed that we would say friend, especially since he didn’t go for “Sex Friend”. My family just assumed that we were together, and he was my boyfriend. Mom says that he is, and he laughed and said “You’ve been labeled”. Ohhh noooes. Haha. I don’t mind though, with him. We talk about everything, and nothing has freaked me out. I’ve been actually excited for what might happen.
And that’s me rambling…
Moving on! So he came over on the Tuesday night, after hockey just to see me and show me that I had nothing to worry about. Which definitely helped. *cough* We talked about it, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t get ridiculously mad and defensive… which is good. We made out, talked, listened to music… It’s amazing how time flies when we’re together and it’s just good flow. Time flies when you’re having fun. Mom and Coby came home and we talked for a bit in my room, and then we made out some more when they left. *obviously* And then we were just lying together, in a comfortable silence. Until Mom told us that we needed to move the cars, and then he left. Sigh, so cute. He has made me rethink a lot of things that I want though. I used to know what I wanted in my life. I never expected to feel this way, and have things change me so drastically. I’m not necessarily lost. Just not in control anymore. And shockingly, I don’t mind. I’m still trying to plan out my entire life, but there are a lot of blank areas now. I keep forgetting that I’m only 22. Plenty of time to fill in the blanks.
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| Via Tumblr |
It was so much easier when I was single. But I don’t want to be single.
xoxo
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