sub·tle·ty
[suht-l-tee] 
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–noun, plural -ties.
2. delicacy or nicety of character or meaning.
I have never been one to be subtle. I can try, but it usually either doesn’t work out for me, or it gets tedious and I get impatient with waiting. I like to get straight to the point. If you aren’t, there’s more chance the the person (and/or myself) can get confused, and think you mean something completely different. If you ask the question straight up, you can hopefully get a straight up answer. Hopefully.
I guess being in a relationship takes a certain subtlety that I lack. I’m pretty in-your-face about most things, and I like the “omg does he like me back” feeling for all of about 2 days. I used to love that feeling and could survive off that feeling alone for months. I think my longest standing crush to date was… probably a year. Ah high school, the only time that it is generally acceptable to pine over a guy you’ve probably never talked to for a year or more. Although, even then I wasn’t particularly subtle about it. I remember one time I was sooo into a guy (he was in my gym class and my English class). I talked to him online, and we actually got pretty close (for me, that meant we could talk about something). I had some crazy friends who nicknamed him (really badly, because we were doing Romeo & Juliet in English, and he was Tybalt… so that’s what they nicknamed him.. so maybe I’m not the only one with subtlety problems). But I went ahead and messed it up by making my MSN name all stalkerish and creepy. He let me down *gently* by telling me he wasn’t interested in me, thought I was a 6 out of 10 *looks* and that he liked someone else. Oh the sweet taste of rejection, lucky for me I took it well. I think we actually were better for it afterwards: He didn’t have to worry about me liking him, and I moved on. Actually… quite fast. It’s all about the chase for me. Anyways, that story kind of rambled on, but the point I was trying to make was that a) I wasn’t subtle and b) I ask terrible questions out of the blue; I like to set myself up for the rejection, makes it hurt a little less.
Which brings me to the point of this post: Getting down to business with the boy. I’m so terrible at friends with benefits, it’s not even funny. I start panicking about the dumbest things, like… Will I get bored faster? We haven’t had sex, but will that speed up the boredom factor? Because I get bored and move on real fast. So I brought it up last night. I think I brought it up in a pretty subtle way though.. but it doesn’t really matter the real guts of the textage is what matters:
Him: Well, what do you worry about?
Me: Well, I worry about not being good enough, and how fast I’m going to get bored. *ya, so not subtle*
Him: Bored eh… I have that effect 😉
Me: No.. I get bored fast. I’m worried that having sex will speed up that process… haha FML right.
Him: It’s ok since it’s not serious or anything.
Me: You’re ok with that *total girl question*? Good. I’ll at least try to be nice about it this time. The last time I totally ripped the guys head off, and I wonder why we’re not friends still.
Him: I’m fine either way.
Me: Whats the other way?
Him: I meant being nice or ripping my head off 😉
Me: LMAO. Ok, cuz I can be a major bitch when I wanna be. I’m pretty scary, I think. I’ll try to be nicer though, because I do like you.
Him: You kinda sound like you’re bored already!
Me: I’m not. I just like having my backup plan. And I like knowing the rules. You said you get bored quickly too didn’t you?
Him: Yah, bored/apathetic. Not with you though 😀 *insert cute moment here*
Yup. That was us, friends with benefits. But it’s nice to know that I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Because I’m a worrier. I worry about how I look, how I am, if I get bored, whether having sex will ruin anything, how I’m going to let him know if I get bored… I need to get out of my head and into the moment. No wonder I can’t enjoy sex. Goal for this year. Relax and enjoy more. Like this weekend, will be perfect to just relax. I need to get out of my head even now though, because I’m nervous that I don’t know many people. Get. Out. Of. My. Mind.
3 more hours until I leave. Until next week! Have a great long weekend!!
xoxo
One thought on “Lacking in Certain Qualities”
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As I am also a massive worrier, I understand this post completely 🙂 xx