This weekend for love. L’amour. The one day of the year that is supposed to be about loving the one you’re with, and because of who I am and HOW I am… Tiz and I manage to fuck it up. It takes great skill to be able to be amazing every other day of the year, but when we’re supposed to be perfect, we aren’t.
We actually got into our first major real fight. Not technically on Valentine’s day, but pretty darn close.
This weekend I was already feeling moody and angsty, so having him getting mad at me for no darn reason pretty much just pushed me over the edge. I’m not going to go into a super amount of detail, because I don’t think that he would appreciate it, but needless to say, I was fairly close to my breaking point (like the Keri Hilson song… that song lyric actually kept running through my head when I was mad). I ended up not talking to him pretty much the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday. Although in my defense, even though I was mad, I was busy. I didn’t really have time to text him even if I had wanted too.
The main reason that he had gotten mad at me, was that I had decided to go out with friends Saturday night when we had made plans just us 2 to watch movies and chill at my house. I was mad at him because he had fallen asleep when he was supposed to come over, making me wait all day only to get mad at me because I decided to do something and stop waiting. He got all pissy and short with me, and took ages to reply to my texts asking him to come out etc. and so I exploded. Told him that he shouldn’t come over anyways. He apologized but I didn’t respond. And then I went out. I had a great time out, discussing the meaning of spirituality and whether bi-sexuality exists or not. Lots of neat ways of seeing things, no wrong answers of course. This is philosophy.
Afterwards, Kat and I had a great talk about my problems and what she did in similar situations… It was great food for thought. At that time I was way tired, and way stressed, but still slightly mad, so I just passed out. I didn’t get to bed until 3 that morning. So, in turn, I didn’t wake up until 1pm the next afternoon. Not so successful because that meant that my baking would take me longer. I ended up making probably the most that I’ve ever made in a weekend/day so I was ridiculously busy. Busy meant the brain was occupied with other things. I had that awful gut feeling, rolling around in my stomach. That feeling never means anything good. Every time I’ve gotten that feeling with a guy, I’ve left him. But I didn’t leave Tiz, I didn’t want to leave him. Not like that anyways. We finally got to talking to each other that night (during the Grammy’s) and it was possibly the most intense, heartbreaking conversation I’ve ever had. We talked about so much stuff and we still have more to talk about. It’s almost never ending. Right now though, we’re good. Really good. We are re-working our plan together. Making new plans. Making new goals to make our relationship better. Letting each other have a say in how this relationship is handled, built, and navigated. How we are going to let this pothole in the road of our relationship help make us stronger, and not break up apart.
We have a date on Friday to discuss all the points in our relationship that need to get stronger, and what we are going to do that make them better. We’re going to try to do that once a month so that it doesn’t get to the explosion of this weekend.
So this is what a real relationship feels like…
